100% Masked

I've been making since I was a small child. Even with the mask I was difficult to be around until after I turned 25. I didn't have enough life skills to stop my own meltdowns until then.

I've worn a mask so long that I'm not sure what I really am without it. It's the shield between me and the world. The way I hide childhood trauma. The way I hide organized religion trauma.

Sometimes I wonder what that child would think of she could see what we've done on the other side of survival mode.

Nobody really understood autism in the 70s and 80s. All of my behavior was blamed on my parents getting a divorce and that the break up of the family really affected me. They didn't know about the abuse or the things I saw that little eyes shouldn't see. I thought at that time that all dads did naked wrestling with teenaged boys.

Yes, my father was a pedophile and I was lucky to be born a girl. Something I have never expressed before is that sometimes I wished I was a boy because then I would at least have gotten some attention from him.

Instead I got all of his anger and self loathing. I remember times when he woke me up to go out to eat in the middle of the night with his current targets. One night was too see the original King Kong in the 70s. I was so sad for the monkey for months because I was 5 or 6 at the time. All of this happened when my mom was away at Childcare Conventions. She was blind to it all and I never said anything to her.

Wow, I had no idea this was going to go this far inside. I wish I had some words of wisdom right now. Basically, I survived. I hope you have all survived your darkest times as well.